Metaphysical Matchmaker Archives - His Thinking

What your date was really thinking!

So, you went out on a date with a really nice guy -- had a great time, so you thought. They even said that they would like to see you again when you inquired at the end of the date, but then, no call. What happened? Wouldn’t you just love to know what your date was really thinking? Did you do something wrong, have spinach in your teeth, bad breath?  Do you think you can take it? It could be brutal after all. The truth is that it doesn’t matter how fabulous of a person you are. You can be the most beautiful woman on the planet, have a PhD and speak seven languages but if you say or do the wrong thing in the beginning stages of dating, you are likely to blow it and never hear from the guy again.  When I was in my twenties (I want to cringe to think of how I was back then) I was always saying the wrong thing. I have been known to still do that on occasion, but no one is perfect right? I have always been too honest and I remember a guy asking me if I liked to ski. I told him no, that I had never tried it and had no interest. He also asked me about several other activities and I was totally negative about all of them. Looking back, I must have seemed like a total boring drag! Of course I didn’t need to lie and say that I was a champion or anything, but I could have been more interested and tell him that I am usually not into sports but I am open minded and would love to try everything at least once. That would have made me look a lot more easy- going and fun. I so relate to Oprah Winfrey’s comment that she made years ago on her TV show about herself when she was in her twenties: “I weep for the woman I was.”

Now, Here are some actual feedback e-mails that I have received after dates. Now I don’t want you to think that this is the majority of e-mails that I get, but the fact that I get these shows that people are often sending out the wrong messages to their dates and messing up their chances to get into a great relationship. I never cease to be enlightened, shocked, humored and amazed in my job as a matchmaker:

Dear Marla,

Some strange things came up between Ivy and I and I thought that you might need to know. Prior to meeting Ivy and after a few one- hour conversations we hit it off well. However during our talks she said that she was going to have a new outfit for me for our first date and that it was sexy etc…

The day before we were to meet, she had texted me a message that the outfit was on hold at the Adidas store and left me the name of the sales rep and his phone number (I guess it was her way of saying buy it for me). No worries, I thought well, I will just buy it and not look like I am cheap as I thought what’s a hundred or hundred and fifty dollars going to hurt. I called the Adidas store and she had picked out not just an outfit but matching shoes to the tune of almost 400.00. I was completely taken aback but said nothing to her. Ivy came over and we had a fantastic night. I let it go.

Marla, it gets better, throughout our phone conversations and two dates we talked about travel a lot. I told her that I might be going to Vail for New Years and Cancun over the holidays etc. I told her that if things went well between us, maybe she should go with me on one of the trips. She was very receptive to this. A few days later she said that she needed to go to the mall to look for some things. I said that I needed to pick up some sun glasses that I broke and said that I’ll meet her down there and afterwards we could go next door to P.F. Chang’s restaurant. She said great, you can come and see the luggage I am picking out.

With that statement, I came up with a “things changed” and let’s meet at my house for Chinese food instead because my meetings were going to run late. She agreed but made sure to leave me the number of the sales rep at Neiman Marcus in the luggage department. I had to confront her politely and told her that buying fancy and potentially lavish gifts in the very beginning of a relationship can be very confusing and potentially hazardous to someone’s feelings. She agreed and seemed okay with it and came over for dinner. It only lasted about and hour and then she came up with “I have to go to the airport to pick up my friend. What time is it? Oh, no, I’m late, gotta go!”

A few days later I got a text message stating that we have different ideas about the future etc. and that we should not see each other again.

Sincerely, Jonathon

I never did give Ivy this feedback since I am certain that she knows exactly what she is doing. I was shocked however that this lady is a schoolteacher in San Diego in her early thirties. I usually hear this type of story about the struggling actress/mode types in L.A. I felt badly for Jonathon that he had to deal with this type of behavior from someone whom I matched him with.

 

Hi Marla,

I did go out with Tom on Saturday. He was a nice guy. A gentleman. He expressed that he wanted to go on another date but he was much too opinionated about food and people for my liking. I’m sure he didn’t mean to spit when he talked, but he did. He wanted an answer right then and there about going out again and I didn’t give him an answer. Like I said, nice guy but too judgmental for my tastes. I’m sure he’d be perfect for someone who was more conservative.

Annie

 

I got this response from Jennifer when I asked her for feedback on her date with Ryan:

Hey there,

Ryan—get this one, I ordered one roll of sushi to go for my mom and he took my money! It was only $10 but he still took my cash and then he was driving a beater… it was like a 1992 red Bronco! He said that he has been renting in San Diego for 12 years or more. I am soooo not interested!

I had to laugh at that one just the way Jennifer expressed herself! Poor Ryan, came off as a cheapskate. He really like her and wanted to see her again.

 

  

This next feedback is a two part one. The first e-mail is feedback from after the first date, and the second is from after the third. 

Hi Marla,

I thanks for introducing me to Olga. She is sweet and charming and definitely gorgeous. Tall, thin with striking dark hair, just my type. I would rate her 9 or a 10 for sure! We had a great time talking and laughing. We went to a French restaurant downtown and practically closed the place down. Thanks again.

Tim

Hi Marla,

I wanted to inform you that I will not be seeing Olga anymore. A few reasons, ones I think will help you going forward looking for me. We were out a total of three times, yesterday being the last time. There was a cultural barrier that was tough to get around. Also, conversation was strained, somewhat “interviewish” most of the time. I was not very relaxed being around her. The chemistry to continue was not there.

And now the guy part in me comes through. I noticed that she did not really “stick out” among the ladies at the party downtown we went to Friday night. And yesterday I made two discoveries, which were not pleasing at all. The first was that she had a belly, gut, rolls, etc. There is no nice way to put it, was hidden well…. But at 27 that spells disaster down the road. I know I have work to do after knee surgery, but I know I will get there. And the biggest one of all, she had a hairy upper lip (this is a no/no for me, automatic turn off!) Dark hair, like a moustache! She does have beautiful features so I lost that at first. Revised rating an 8, barely. By the way, I really disliked writing this paragraph, she is a sweet girl and I do feel a bit shallow. I know you do understand though. I hope this helps the whole process of getting to know me better and what I like.

I actually laughed so hard I cried after reading that e-mail. I just didn’t know what else to do.

 

As you can see from the above feedback, people are confused big time. Hearing bloopers and blunders like these week after week, month after month and year after year I sometimes wonder if I should throw in the towel on my matchmaking career. But I take a deep breath and come to the realization that people need and want assistance in figuring it all out with getting “burned” as few times as possible. Figuring out your weak spots and how people interpret words and actions in the dating arena can only help you be more successful and have a much more pleasant experience over all. I love what Marianne Williamson writes in her book Enchanted Love, “The biggest block to love is the human personality.” When we are little children, we can relate to each other on such a pure and innocent level. We can just be with each other, smile, flirt and feel the joy of just being present. When we get older the ego comes in and makes judgments about the other person, we worry how the other person sees and what they think of us. She also says, “Can we love as adults yet reclaim the trust of a child?”

I keep a photo of myself on a shelf near my bed. The photo is of a six year old Marla with bright red hair and freckles and a big smile. I look at that photo every night and remember that little girls hopes and dreams for the future. The things she used to like to do. The friends she had, the mistakes she made. The benefit to this is to know that I am still that little girl. When I make mistakes, say the wrong thing or jump to the wrong conclusion about something, it’s okay. Life is about learning and growing. Many years have passed since that photo was taken, but my chances to do it right have not passed. There is always a new day and a new opportunity.